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08 February 2011 @ 03:59 pm

fffffffuuuuuuuu

Another one bites the dust. I awoke with such disdain, it's ridiculous. But why is it that in my dreams I'm so fucking happy? I woke myself up before anything could happen, in a way I guess that's a sign that my body knows what to and what not to think, and when enough is enough. It was nice though, which confuses me. I could just take him as a made up reoccuring characterin my dreams (simply based on someone who I was previously heavily infatuated with). In this one, he was hesitant, which was different, unlike the usual persistant romantic. This time, I was chasing after him- and in this devilish nature, it was kind of exciting. He didn't want anything to do with me, and all I wanted was to hold his hand. And by the end of the dream I did. "What are you doing?" "You know you want to". And then he smiled, and we sat there hand in hand- and thn I woke up. I'm sure all of this happening was based on this whole new information that I've obtained recenty, but in a way, it helps me with closure. You know what they say, closure brings you one more step to freedom, to escaping. I'm happy- in a weird way, but still happy.

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So, for the past half an hour or so, I've been laughing barfing at the nauseating repulsiveness that I used to write in my very first lj (aww baby, I know). BUT STILL. I was such a obnoxious preteen, complaining about (mostly unreasonable) shit that I could probably just walk by and brush my shoulders at, or drooling over how ~hawt~ I though Pete Wentz was. Seriously, I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face :/

But hey, I'll give you the link for your enjoyment: http://cheapteacups.livejournal.com/
(AT LEAST I HAD A NICE LAYOUT RIGHT????????!!!)

I guess in a way I have grown up quite a bit in the last 5-6 years since my freshmen year. I really can't grasp the fact that it's been that long since, I feel like it was just yesterday walking through the doors of that hell hole, smelling the fresh (but not really) scent of overrated cliches and petty drama that stirs about in an all-girl environment. Thank fucking god I am out of there. I really don't understand why people are is still holding on to their precious ~high school years~. I honestly wanted nothing but to grab my things and run as fast as I could out of there. But hey, no one else was as ~smart~ as I was right? :):):):))))))))))))))))))))))) lol jkz. But really, I went to school with a lot of retards and social climbers. No one used their brains (maybe in another way in a sense..... OH GOD), mostly people only cared about who liked who or who was better than who. I don't know, and the people that even remotely liked anything that was ~tasteful~ knew shit all about it. Everyone was flat, no one had personality. Well, except the selected few, and I guess there's always going to be only a handful of these kinds in any place. But I guess you all get the jist of my treacherous high school years.

Anyway, most of the time I wish I surrounded myself with people who were more cultured or at least didn't think that the only form of entertainment and casuality was to go out clubbing to drinking. I mean, I'm not a party pooper about it, I think it's just as fun as the next person would, I really just don't want to do it every fucking weekend. They're all carbon copies of every other 19 year old college student. I want something different, but I don't know what. I guess this is why I separate myself from everyone- like any other person, I tend to separate myself from things that I don't really fit into. I'd rather be alone, or at least with Adam. Mostly because he is the only person that understands me- and I mean really understands me. I don't know, I love my friends to death, but I guess I want change in a sense.

Ps. I have school at 9am tomorrow, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE SLEEPING YET THO UGH KILL ME PLZ